For my son


Our secret place

Some days I close my eyes and I imagine I’m in heaven, I imagine the sky is so blue, the clouds are the whitest I’ve ever seen and then I smell you, you are near.  I can no longer remember how you smell when I’m awake so I have to close my eyes and go to our secret place, a place where throughout the years I have seen you grow from my baby boy to my handsome teenager.

On this date 15 years ago, my heart broke into billions of pieces and it will never be the same, the scars of the pain will never fully heal. On the 5th of January 2005 my gorgeous little Reece was born, he was barely breathing he needed oxygen… I was barely conscious… all I remember is that my little baby was taken away because he needed help, I was too unwell to go with him.

I have to close my eyes to truly picture you my beautiful baby boy. I had five months with you, five months of cuddles, five months of looking into your beautiful brown eyes, five months to kiss you, five months being your mum, five months of unconventional magic because despite the tubes, needles, countless of operations the time I spent with you was precious, rewarding and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Memories fade, your face has become blurred and yet I still remember your first operation so vividly, your heart stopped, doctors rushed, your tiny chest was open… doctors and nurses where trying to bring you back, I was in the corner of the room, helpless, useless… there was so much chaos no one noticed I was still there… so I close my eyes because it’s the only way I can imagine your tiny little hands growing into bigger hands… I imagine that I can hold you without the worry of knocking a needle off….

I will forever carry the pain of knowing that I signed the papers to turn your ventilator off, but that’s what mothers do, we do the best for our children.  I couldn’t put you through more operations, more resuscitations, more needles… you gave me five beautiful months, you smiled for me, you held my fingers, you put up such a fight but towards the end you just wanted to sleep, you gathered all your strength to look into my eyes for one last time and showed me your pain, that’s when I knew the time had come for you to become an angel.

Today I will close my eyes for a really long time and meet you in our secret place, I will be able to smell you, hold your hand and talk to you… even if it is just in my imagination.

With the deepest of love,

for Reece forever in my heart x

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